The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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