So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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