I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
