if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
