After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I need a beard to bite.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
