also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
