Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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