You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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