Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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