Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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