There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
