i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize