Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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