tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
