she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
