I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
