Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
