@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
