he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
