Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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