I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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