I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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