moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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