Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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