Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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