She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We talked him into tasing himself.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
