considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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