I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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