My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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