things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
