mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
