I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
