i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
