I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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