He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
