she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
