Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
