I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
