At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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