Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
