ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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