why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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