haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
