I wish they made helmets for livers.
why do cheetos always look like penises
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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