awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
