You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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