got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize