i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
