I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think i have two assholes
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
