I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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