Will you blow on my dice?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
