So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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