Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Be still, my beating vagina.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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