Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
