dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i will never coherently bang her
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
