..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
