I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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